what i see

i am the kind of person that messes up alot. sometimes i dont think things through. and my grades arnt as good as some of the people i know. and as a Christian i continue to sturggle in many many many ways.

the people i usually hangout with seem to be the opposite of me. where the grade part doesnt really bother as me much when im around them. one thing that sticks out to me is how close some of them are to God and how good they seem to be at keeping there faith strong. while I on the other hand always falls into the trap that the devil keeps laying down on me. and because i struggle and the people that im around seem to be doing so well with there faith i feel smaller than them. i feel like im not as good as them or that im not as well rounded as a person than they are.

atleast thats what i thought. it wasnt until a couple days ago in the shower when i felt like crap and was just thinking( and yes i like to think in the shower when im angry it cools me down) about everything. why do i feel so much smaller than some of the people. i mean sure they have there ups but they most definately have there downs as well. as do i do i. i always felt smaller than them because i guess they participated more with church or something like that. and because of that i felt smaller. but then i see how much there also messing up and frankly not doing anything to help the situations and all of a sudden that feeling i have goes away. as well as the way they act when they around other people. when there around important people such as a teacher, pastor, or someone of authority then of course they follow the rules. but for me its like if its cool its cool and when i try to do it when the people of authority are around then these people get all "what are you doing? your not allowed to do that" but as soon its all done then they'll end up doing same thing when the authorty is not around. wat the hell right? because to me i always act like such a fake Christian and i know that and im trying to put more of an effort into becoming a better person obviously its not going so well for me but i dont put on a show because i do need help in becoming a better christian and i dont want to put on a shower in front of the people of authory at church or act different with my Christians because its not gonna do anything if i pretend that im just doing oh so dandy in my spiritual life. alot of the people around me are the so calld real ones i guess the ones i should look up to when it comes to Christians in the world today but in reality there just the same as me cept there just more in to church and do more activities than i do but still it all seems the same to me not matter how much you can do. it all leaks out. all a damn show





lates