confused

two sides

which one?

summers going away

summer is coming to a close and my last year of high school is right around the corner, they big year where im not along a minor and now considered an adult.
this summer alot of things happened. and right now i try to be as optimistic as i can with how my life is moving along. optimism gets me through most of the day but there comes in the point of the day where i just wanna crack. maybe its because i cant tell some of the people who i think im closest with some of my secrets. if there close to me then it shouldnt be that hard right? but i dunno what would become of our friendship after they find out.

this summer i learned that not everybody is not perfect. but im totally fine with that because i see that some people who i thought would not understand may actually feel what im feeling sometimes.

i also learned that people who you think you are close with can turn out to be all fake when it comes to the friendship. times when i thought we were having fun this person was just doing it for something else.

also there are such things as oneway friendships where you might be like the tissue if you know what im saying.

but ive also found some people who i come to trust and who do not judge for what ive done in the past. they look past it all and help not fall back as i go into the future.

summer list still
-saturday- joan chillin?
-sunday- catherine y yoon :)
-monday-TBA
-tuesday- joan and yukari
-wednesday-NRB?!
-thursday-EARS?!
-friday-SHARON B
-saturday-TBD
-sunday- dunno

ohh myy goodness

not a good day of driving today crazy moments. so we finished eating at in n out and i was dropping off david cho. so i made a left turn to get out of the plaza and i started going straight towards sepulveda. on the way there i didnt see this one red light and i was bout to go right passd it when David yelled to me its a red light and i just step on the breaks and burn some of the rubber off on my tire it was pretty crazy. and after dropping off david we were heading to my house and i almost ran over a cat. not good at allllll

TOMOROW- going to shawns house with Angela and maybe Diana.
Wednesday- Chilling with my Jakyo after registration

gon be SICKKK SON

its nice

tuesday i hung out with some friends that i havent chilled with in a while and i must say it was really. one of the best chillin days. ever since i got my liscense and a car for me its really hard to tell if they want to chill with me cuz they want to chill with me or cuz they got more than five people and they need a car. but tuesday was straight up just chilling and it was really fun.

eating/taking pictures/recording videos/looking at dogs/getting drinks/more dogs/renting movie/sleeping/talking/laughing

i know when its a chill day when i am driving and my care for how much gas i got in my tank seems to go away and im way less paranoid if im out of gas or not. i mean of course i still care but im not like oh no we cant go ther cuz my gas but im down to go there even if my gas maybe low. those are the chill days that make summer fun, the days where the amount of gas in my car dont seem to matter as much when im hanging out with some people and every place where they go i seem to check my gas every five minutse too see if i have enough.

and today i visited my close friend at work who i havent seen in a very long time. it just seeing her made me smile. it was just realy good to see her and sad because it had to be just for a short period of time. days like this is what leads to chill days

i still need to-
-hit up six flags
-chill with sarah song
-chill with jenny park
-get my ears done
-do sumthin to my hair
-desserts with liz
-hit up mccullen drive

i dunno haha

what i see

i am the kind of person that messes up alot. sometimes i dont think things through. and my grades arnt as good as some of the people i know. and as a Christian i continue to sturggle in many many many ways.

the people i usually hangout with seem to be the opposite of me. where the grade part doesnt really bother as me much when im around them. one thing that sticks out to me is how close some of them are to God and how good they seem to be at keeping there faith strong. while I on the other hand always falls into the trap that the devil keeps laying down on me. and because i struggle and the people that im around seem to be doing so well with there faith i feel smaller than them. i feel like im not as good as them or that im not as well rounded as a person than they are.

atleast thats what i thought. it wasnt until a couple days ago in the shower when i felt like crap and was just thinking( and yes i like to think in the shower when im angry it cools me down) about everything. why do i feel so much smaller than some of the people. i mean sure they have there ups but they most definately have there downs as well. as do i do i. i always felt smaller than them because i guess they participated more with church or something like that. and because of that i felt smaller. but then i see how much there also messing up and frankly not doing anything to help the situations and all of a sudden that feeling i have goes away. as well as the way they act when they around other people. when there around important people such as a teacher, pastor, or someone of authority then of course they follow the rules. but for me its like if its cool its cool and when i try to do it when the people of authority are around then these people get all "what are you doing? your not allowed to do that" but as soon its all done then they'll end up doing same thing when the authorty is not around. wat the hell right? because to me i always act like such a fake Christian and i know that and im trying to put more of an effort into becoming a better person obviously its not going so well for me but i dont put on a show because i do need help in becoming a better christian and i dont want to put on a shower in front of the people of authory at church or act different with my Christians because its not gonna do anything if i pretend that im just doing oh so dandy in my spiritual life. alot of the people around me are the so calld real ones i guess the ones i should look up to when it comes to Christians in the world today but in reality there just the same as me cept there just more in to church and do more activities than i do but still it all seems the same to me not matter how much you can do. it all leaks out. all a damn show





lates

wow

its crazy how going to a camp can change someone and make them completely into Christ

its also crazy how fast it can disapear too and theyll turn back into tat same person that they were before the camp.